| freaky creepy scary beautiful dream :| |
[Sep. 3rd, 2009|08:40 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | dream | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  melancholy | ] |
I'm in my messy apartment. Outside I see my neighbor. (For some reason she's the woman from that movie with the europeans in it, Saving Grace) She's always depressed. The Edge from U2 shows up and tells us both that whoever can get down to his car first can go on a tour with them. We both are so excited we run to our respective apartments and as I'm getting ready, I see Mike come in the door. He's unemployed and I immediately think that he should run down as touring with U2 might help him get a job. But then he tells me that the band member told him to tell me not to bother. Our apartment was too messy for either of us to be qualified to go on tour.
As my depressed neighbor is preparing to go, Mike and I visit her. Her place is very tidy. I ask her how she does it. She says very simply that she cleans it everyday, and that she has a very well behaved dog.
Mike and I leave and head for some refreshments and run into my IRL neighbor, Jessie. She asks if her and I are friends again. (IRL we had a falling out a few months ago.) I acquiesce. She's there with her buff and hunky boyfriend. (which is weird cause IRL she's a lesbian, except for really really big dick) She asks when Mike and I are getting married. I say at the end of the year. On my birthday. She asks what time. I say... oh around 2. She thinks that's too late.
I start to say... perhaps a ceremony isn't even necessary.... when suddenly I'm at an event that feels like it should be the wedding but it isn't at all.
I'm in this room with all of the people I knew when I was a Jehovah's Witness. They're watching a presentation. I go up to introduce 3 men to the room (The Wayans Brothers??? wtf?) But instead I pick up a telephone next to the microphone, which is for some reason also the microphone and shout "WHAT THE FUCK!!" My mom, shocked, sitting next to her best friend and my childhood mentor, a black woman, shouts "That was totally unnecessary!"
I run out of the room, through some yards, down the street until I can't run anymore. I'm so scared. I suddenly realize that exclamation was a realization that I didn't want to be a part of the faith anymore. That made me very sad and frightened.
Now I'm being counseled by an Elder. As I would be for leaving the faith. It's dark, and I'm adamant. Slowly the light comes on and I realize that the elder that I'm being counseled by is my very best friend. (Someone I've never seen IRL) He gives up on counseling me, so instead we start putting together my blackberry that is on the table in pieces for some reason.
He starts to convulse, but is conscious and is in very real pain. I start to cry, and trying my phone, which is still in pieces, his phone which is dead, when I finally reach the house phone he starts to giggle, it's a joke. I recover, it's clear to me that we are very very close. Inseparable.
Now, him, me and a 3rd person I also know to be our best friend wake up in a large bowl. Like in a skate park bowl. It's dark outside the bowl, but within the bowl the 3 of us are disoriented. The surface of the bowl has 9 sets of 4 intersecting lines. One for each of our parents and us. Each intersecting line is an event with a short description. We marvel at this for a bit before we decide to emerge from the bowl. It's dark, but ambient light reveals a sign that reads "People come here for work, but few ever retire. Though some do." I have a faint thought that those who do retire somehow suffer more.
The rest of the landscape lights up and I see masses of robot pods approaching us from 2 directions in front of us. They start pelting us with bullets that cause excruciating pain, but we're not dying. We run off to the left.. my best friend, the one who was counseling me stays right behind me. I can feel one of his hands on my shoulder. We fall down a steep hill together, arms around one another and fall into a mass of small thorns. As we fall through the thorns, I can feel them start to get larger. My friend ends up underneath me and while I can't see him, I can feel we are both starting to be impaled by more than one large thorn. My friend, he's not screaming, more whimpering and crying that it hurts. And then I hear him die.
In my dream I wake up with a start. Grab my backpack and head over to his house to say goodbye. I knock on his door, his mom answers with a smile. She knows what I'm there for.
I wake up as I watch her walk down the hallway, drenched in sweat.. still basking in the beauty and love of my friendship (yes only friendship) and the terror of the place we were and how we'd died, trying desperately to figure out if it means something..
I can't believe I remembered so much of it. I actually shed a tear as I reviewed it. Now.. I'm sharing it. yikes... |
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| d00t :) |
[Apr. 20th, 2008|11:37 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Three Days Grace - Never Too Late | ] |
So the other day some Jehovah's Witnesses came to the door. A young woman with what could have been her mother nervously gave her presentation of the Watchtower. I didn't have the heart to tell her we weren't interested or that I had been disfellowshipped and they shouldn't even be talking to me. So I accepted their magazine and it happened to have an article in it that I've wanted to discuss with people as sort of a neutral party.
Here it is :)
Jehovah's Witnesses firmly believe that the death of Jesus Christ provided the ransom that opens the door to everlasting life for those who exercise faith in him. (Matthew 20:28, John 3:16) However, they do not believe that Jesus died on a cross, as is often depicted in traditional pictures. It is their belief that Jesus died on an upright stake with no crossbeam.
The use of the cross can be traced back to Mesopotamia, to two thousand years before Christ. Crosses even decorated Scandinavian rock engravings during the bronze age, centuries before Christ was born. Such non-Christians used the cross "as a magic sign ... giving protection, bringing good luck," wrote Sven Tito Achen, Danish historian and expert on symbols, in the book Symbols Around Us. It is no wonder that the New Catholic Encyclopedia admits: "The cross is found in both pre-Christian and non-Christian cultures, where is has largely a cosmic or natural signification." Why, then, have the churches chosen the cross as their most sacred symbol?
W. E. Cine, respected British scholar, offers these hard facts: "By the middle of the 3rd century A.D..... pagans were received into the churches... and were permitted largely to retain their pagan signs and symbols. Hence the Tau or T,... with the cross-piece lowered, was adopted." -Vine's Expository Dictionary of Old and New Testament Words.
Vine further notes that both the noun "cross" and the verb "crucify" refer to "a stake or pale ... distinguished from the ecclesiastical form of a two beamed cross." In agreement with this oxford University's Companion Bible says:The evidence is ... that the Lord was put to death upon an upright stake, and not on two pieces of timber placed at any angle." Clearly, the churches have adopted a tradition that is not Biblical.
Historian Achen, quoted above, observes: "In the two centuries after the death of jesus it is doubtful that the Christians ever used the device of the cross." To the early Christians, he adds, the cross "must have chiefly denoted death and evil, like the guillotine or the electric chair to later generations."
More important, no matter what device was used for the torture and execution of Jesus, no image or symbol of it should become an object of devotion or worship for Christians. "Flee from idolatry," commands the Bible. (1 Corinthians 10:14) Jesus himself gave the real identifying mark of his true followers. he said: "By this all will know that you are my disciples, if you have love among yourselves." -John 13:55
In all matters of worship, Jehovah's Witnesses, like the first-century Christians, strive to follow the bible rather than tradition (Romans 3:4; Colossians 2:8) Because of this, the do not use the cross in worship.
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Even though I decided to abandon my participation in this religion I still enjoy believing what they have to say :P
I'd be eager to discuss this with anyone if they're in the mood. :) |
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| stuff.... and things |
[Mar. 18th, 2008|08:22 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | werk | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  content | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Vampire Weekend - A-Punk | ] |
Life's been eventful lately :)
The ceiling in my studio apartment... the entire ceiling rained in my apartment.
Nothing was damaged.
The week this all happened they had just redone the entire roof. Apparently they really screwed up over my apartment.
My landlords moved Mike and I to a 1 bedroom apartment temporarily that we eventually signed a permanent lease for.
Yes he still lives with me. Yes I like it and am comfortable with it. No, we're not boyfriends. hehe
We live like we are though. There are a couple of things that I just can't stomach. He knows what they are. I won't go into them here. But we'll see how the future turns out. I'm happy and comfortable sharing my space with him and I know that he feels the same way.
I rented an all wheel drive vehicle (some kind of Nissan SUV'ish thing) for his birthday and we went offroading in Anza Borrego. Then we went to a casino on the way home. He won lots of money. I lost lots of money.
We've been doing a lot of camping too. There're a coupla nice spots provided by the state and national forest services. But all the best spots are ones we sniffed out ourselves :D
I've picked up some side jobs that I've been going and doing before my full time job. I work the 2nd shift at my full time job so the days have been free for me.
I need to learn to be a better businessman... apparently I'm not charging enough. But those're the opinions of others. Others whose opinions I trust, but do not necessarily agree with in this regard. I'm gonna do some more investigating. For now it's keeping me out of trouble and putting more cash in my pocket. :D
That's about it. Hope all is well for whoever's reading :) |
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| hi :) |
[Dec. 12th, 2007|04:49 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | content | ] |
| [ | music |
| | John Mayer - Waiting on the World to Change | ] |
So I know I never post
oh well..
Cool stuff that happened this year?
I moved out of my backseat and into an apartment that's all my own. Been living there for nearly 8 months. My first one! haha it's nice.
Here's some pictures of what it looks like:
http://kidkaos.org/home/
Yea ... it looks lived in. Maybe I shoulda made it ready for a tour hehe.
Been working a job I really like and makes pretty decent money for nearly a year and a half now. I'm a Systems Administrator in a datacenter.
Here are some pictures of the NOC (Network Operations Center for those that aren't in the field)
http://kidkaos.org/display2x.jpg
http://kidkaos.org/display3x.jpg
I love the guys that I work with and the guy that I work under. It's a wonderful team.
Last and among the least ... pictures of me. I've been told I look older now. Tried to take it as a compliment.
http://kidkaos.org/selfpics
Yea, they're all a lot of the same, taken in the same places and the quality sucks ... but that's what comes with a 3 year old camera phone.
I'll take better ones later.
Hope everyone is having a good holiday season ... and good luck in the new year :D |
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| tee hee |
[Aug. 16th, 2007|03:44 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  giggly | ] |
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| OUR OWN SPACE 7! |
[May. 27th, 2006|08:16 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | ecstatic | ] |
So I have about negative 30 minutes to type this, get gas, ice, food and help these guys pack cars.
ack!
I ended up hooking up with some high grade bud though :D (for medical purposes only of course. at least that's what the label sez :P)
dancing. all. fucking. weekend! :D :D :D
Hope everyone has a fun 3 day weekend!! *hugz all around* |
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| hello |
[May. 10th, 2006|11:25 am] |
Lots of things going on... and at the same point practically nothing at all.
Had some fun with Erik a coupla weeks going to a party on a ranch in the hills just north of LA. Danced my ass off, slept, then danced my ass off some more. It was a bit difficult for me while I was there. Mike and I shared an awesome party there together almost a year ago. Very intimate. Near the end of the party, I went over to where Mike and I spent most of our party. I lowered the dam on my emotions for a while and then cleaned up and went to dance some more. Felt like a lot of weight had been taken off of my shoulders.
The next weekend I got a surprise ticket to Coachella!!! I got to hang out with Steve and his boyfriend, and one of his boyfriends friends. We tried to bbq but the cops said "we can over look your drinking, but not the fire." Later another cop came by and told us "No tailgating." So I guess the moral of the story is.. have a ton for them to bitch about so they don't wittle you down until your hot dogs are cooked. hahaha We joked that we should have been murdering people, so they would have left our fire and beer drinking alone! rofl
I got to see Paul Oakenfold, Gnarls Barkley and of course, Madonna. I love the tunes Paul Oakenfold was spinnin, but a lot of people seemed to disagree. Apparently he even trainwrecked a few times. I was near the stage for his act and then quickly vacated for the Madonna concert. I didn't wanna be in that mass hehe. She put on a spectacular show though. Later I saw some bands I don't remember and TOOL! My marking Coachella festival was the first time Madonna played at a festival instead of dedicated concert. And it was Tool's first show in a very very long time. Weeeee!
Inspite of all the fun I've been having I can seem to knock this cloud following me around. I got to see Mike last night for the first time in a lil over a month. It was awkward. It was like cracking a nutshell. I can't say that I don't still feel troubled around him, but I did manage to build a sense of comfort for myself.
My resume is pretty impressive. Check it out :D Hopefully I can start interviewing soon. I stalled for a bit to try my hand at legal administrative assistant. But I need to do something that I can feel accomplished with at the end of the day. Not try to learn something entirely different.
Hope everything is goin well in everyone's world *hugz* |
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| Weeeeee |
[Apr. 22nd, 2006|04:16 pm] |
Alright... I've had a pretty good week, considering all things.
I've gotten my resume done, and sent it to a few places I already have hope at.
Gonna collect the sunday paper tomorrow and send it everywhere.
I've been taking my resume and tailoring it to the places I've been sending it to. Now I'm gonna make a master one that makes me look like a MASTER at everything on it... cause I practically am :D and see what kind of responses I get.
In the meantime I've been extremely resourceful at picking up side work here and there to supplement myself in the meantime. I feel great :D
In the midst of all of it, I've been able to hang out with someone people I haven't gotten to see in a really long time and actually spend some quality time with them, having lengthy conversations that flow easily from one subject to another. Being personable again with many people makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. haha I just wanna give all my friends a big tight warm hug rofl.
Soooo if we haven't hung out yet... what're we waiting for? :P gimme a call.. send me an email, send me a freakin IM... communication is no obstacle these days hehe
It's Saturday.. I'm strappin on my blades and I'm gonna hit the beach. Since I'm single again, I've rediscovered just how many hot guys there are around. I can't believe I stopped noticing all of them.
(I still miss my Mike ;'( it's a good thing I've been able to keep myself distracted.)
So here I go... things seem to be going as well as they can be and I'm elated for it.
RaWr ;)
cheers! |
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| moving right along... |
[Apr. 18th, 2006|09:06 pm] |
Did I already use this subject? psh.. oh well
I haven't heard from Mike in days. I wonder if he even misses me at all. Or if he even remembers me.
I talked to my old boss. He says I haven't been clean long enough yet. So I'm completely rebuilding my resume and I'm gonna start sending it out tomorrow morning.
Feeling pretty depressed at just about everthing. I feel like I should have stayed at my Grandmas house, stuck it out there, improved my life and then came back. I came back for Mike. I came back for my job. Now I don't have either. it's hard to not feel utterly defeated.
Inspite of all that, I'm at least keeping my chin up. Trying to keep a positive optimistic attitude.
Here we go.
cheers *clink* |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 13th, 2006|10:17 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  frustrated | ] |
This is dedicated to all the people who are about to be in my shoes.
I'm not trying to convince you to stop by any means... in fact... by all means have more..
I just wanna tell you what has happened to me since I've been growing into larger shoes.
My relationship has ended. There seems to be conflicting stories about just about everything. I've never seen 2 people who've loved each other so much be so hateful to one another.
I've lost my job.
I live in my car.
Now I owe even friends money.
I have $22 and no solid hope of anymore money coming.
I feel sick... and there's no one around to care.. in fact, I expect people to shy away rather than want to take care of me.
Life sucks when you do speed... I hope you're enjoying yourself while it last. |
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| Thhhheeeee WEEKEND! |
[Jan. 27th, 2006|09:37 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | cheerful | ] |
Ohhhhh man I can't believe it's finally here! I'm feeling great knowing that I've got 2 whole days of nothing work related. That means sleeping in.. Having sex and/or cuddling all day long.. and maybe rollerblading fits in there somewhere too. :P I think I'll try to drag ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) z2e out with us.
By chance I was able to have lunch with Mike almost everyday this week. A nice, although somewhat torturous break in the day since I can't squeeze him to death in public haha. If I end up with this other job that I'm trying to get, I'll be much closer, and then maybe that can happen a few times a week cause I'll be permanently working closer. I've attempted to talk to my contact at that company a few more times, but he's out of town or extremely busy. I was starting to think he was avoiding me until I got to speak to his wife, who assured me that he really did want to talk to me and was trying to find the time to give me the time I need for a quality meeting. That's *awesome* :D
Here's to the weekend guys.. jagermeister this time? :P *clink* |
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| meh |
[Jan. 25th, 2006|03:24 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  gloomy | ] |
Wednesday now... I can't figure out why I feel like I'm spinning my wheels. My production level seems to be high... I'm getting all my work done and more, even been on time to work and other such places far more often than usual.
Seems like everyone I run into, in person, on the phone... even other assholes on the freeway seem to be a bit moodier this week.
I'm just running through my motions here... I know I need to do all of this.. not sure why, and I've totally lost sight of what the end result will be, but here I am. Surely it will become clear again.
Another round of shots... on me :P |
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| Woooooooo! |
[Jan. 16th, 2006|12:47 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | happy | ] |
Havin a great weekend :D A three day one for me... my company is observing MLKJr. Day for some reason, while not giving us the Monday or Friday around New Years off.... don't ask me.. I'm happy to have 3 days in a row off. hehe
Friday night was relaxing... Mike and I went out to chili's and had some good food. After that we came home, downed some margaritas, played some games and went to bed. Yesterday we went shopping and I bought some cool new underwear, and a set of clothes for work that I have to return now cause my waist is 3 inches smaller than it normally was, and it seems to be staying here.. hehe yay :D (Mike measured me at 29 inches.. I think I still want 30's. Gotta try this shtuph on at the store though :P)
Last night we went and bought some bean bag chairs and splayed across his office floor and watched a movie on his new projector, that was playing one the ceiling... hehehe sweeeet :) (It was Aeonflux though, the story sucked!)
Today I got another one of my Birthday or Christmas presents hehe. A new leather office chair... anything that had anywhere near any of the features this one has, is waaaay better than any chair I've ever had. But this one as a load of other fancy things to make it look cooler.. and more importanly, be more comfortable. *big grin*
Tonight we went rollerblading at the beach... at like 10. It was cold at first, but as we got moving it didn't take long to warm up. It's a good thing for me Mike is a pretty good rollerblader.. I don't have to go extra slow to make sure he can keep up. The only thing that sucked is we had a sizeable head wind on our way back that had us working harder on our way back.. more excercise I guess. ;)
Now it's 1am and I don't care hehe cause I have Monday off! I guess we're going rollerblading again... hope everyone has a nice week! |
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| blah blah blah |
[Jan. 11th, 2006|12:30 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | lonely | ] |
Now I'm in Vegas. The people I'm training here have been set in their crazy warehouse ways for more than 16 years. I was met with all sorts of opposition because my company's software doesn't work like the excel spreadsheets they've been using to track inventory, shipping/receiving and billing. (for anyone who doesn't know.. that's a disaster waiting to happen. I suspect these people have had an ongoing disaster the whole time hehehe What's crazy, is this whole spreadsheet handling crap is really not that uncommon!) Once they finally shut up and listened to what I was saying to them... they were ecstatic that some of their week long processes were now being cut down to a measly hour. After a bit, they were coming up with their own NEW ways to do things... apparently that's a big step :P
I'm staying at The Orleans. I think the mattress I'm sleeping on is covered in some kind of nylon or plastic protector... I dread to speculate why they put that on there... but it certainly isn't comfortable to sleep on. Not to mention, I think it's just a slab of wood under that protector hehe not a mattress at all! It's strange going "home" after work... and walking into a casino hehehe. In the morning when I wake up to go to work.. still cleaning my eyes as I step out of the elevator and dodge the gamblers and noisy machines... talk about a wake up call :P I'm not really impressed with this city. This is the first time I've been here since I turned 21, and wasn't meeting family. I think it's mostly that I don't have a choice but to go and meet all these exciting places alone. No one to share any of these cool experiences with.. and no one to tell them to. It's all the same! Everyone does all the same things, goes to the same places... there's nothing to say.. that's why it's better to take someone with you. It's not really like I -need- someone to be with me... if I lived here, I certainly would opt to go out alone, but... that's my only choice. Luckily this training ends tomorrow instead of Friday. I'll be home around 10:30... bedtime... that sucks, but then I'll at least get a good nights sleep wrapped up in mike :D
That's really all... I've applied for another job again. I'm chummy with the president of the company already, and I've already had a chance to display my skill for him. Not to mention, more recently acquired skills will allow me to be 2 people at his company.. and that means more $$$
Keepin my chin up, and a stiff upper lip :) my new routines are staying solid, and it's keeping me a happier person in general. Guess we'll have to wait and see hehe I'm optimistic. |
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| New Years |
[Jan. 4th, 2006|03:16 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  optimistic | ] |
I think this last new years was one of the best I've ever had. Many negative events, but I feel I learned from each of them, and now I feel a lot closer to my boy than I did before. I'm finally getting some grasp for what my place is, personally, financially, and professionally. It's only the 4th and I've already got several things fitting into their new routines.. This is -sweet!-
I missed the NYE party that I have attended almost every single new years since I moved here... made some poor decisions, and probably would not have been welcome anyways. Hopefully anyone who would know, will understand why I couldn't go. It sucked that I couldn't go, but I feel better that I didn't.
I got a ton of things for christmas, there's no way I could go into all of them here, but I'll be posting pics of my new bubbler soon. It's fuckin *-hawt-*
2005 brought around some of hardest things I've ever had to deal with... but I've never dealt with any of my harships as well as I did that year..
It also brought some of the most precious things I've never known meant so much to me. I kind of feel like I've been reintroduced to myself, and we're getting along great :P
Good luck this year, everyone :) |
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| uh.. yea :) |
[Dec. 28th, 2005|04:19 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | happy | ] |
I think my mind works like a massive hurricane. Meeting everyday life with some kind of destructive frame of mind. The eye, representing what I must put out to the rest of the world, calm in the midst of all the chaos and disarray that I can't control in my head.
It seems like over time, all the destruction mulches and and grows in to a paradise that I'm more than happy to live in. But not before tearing through it with all sorts of unreasonable force.
I seem to meet things with a lot of opposition. I know that. I feel stupid for it. Not sure why.. have a few theories.. they're really not important. I'm a pretty open minded, clear headed thinker... just not at first :P I know this, and I don't really want anyone to know, cause everyone would proly think I'm a total asshole. I guess it seems to be a problem sometimes, for people who might be a bit more perceptive, or might know me really well. I guess it might seem like I'm a really unhappy person. It's the underlying reasoning that processes all this experience combined with emotion and makes me, me. And that's the part that seems to run a little slow.
Maybe I'm generally uncomfortable, maybe I'm generally afraid. But I feel I definitely have a really good sense of higher reasoning, it just doesn't kick in right away. What I wonder, is if anyone will ever really know who I am then. All the things that honestly make me happy, or forlorn, don't truly manifest themselves until later. And ultimately, what kind of character I've developed. But then.. where does that show itself to anyone in the turmoil of the storm? I don't really know, but in my mind... my life has grown with all sorts of wonderful things... yes, even the manure :P (does it seem weird that I still love and embrace all the manured parts of my life, because they contribute a significant amount of substenance to add to the greater part of it that I cherish so much?)
Does any of this even make any sense? Does it seem so weird? |
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| whoooooooaaaaaa |
[Dec. 19th, 2005|09:20 am] |
So I've had a reeeeeally good week. After sometime mid to late last week, I learned that I was frettin really hard over something that doesn't even exist, everything has done a complete 360. hehehe (it was something small too.. goddammit, I hate it when I do that.)
Other than that, Mike and I took a walk in this large park not far from where he lives. It was dark, and the fog had just started to roll in when we got there. We were only there for like, an hour and a half and it was so much denser in such a short period of time. It was cool to walk through the park and around a lake. We paused a bench that looked out onto 4 or 5 houses elaborately decorated for the holidays. Very romantic :D Saturday night he took prompted us to go to bowling... very surprising. hehe I don't think that it was all he had expected it to be, but we got in about 3 games a peice... and neither of us did that bad for newbs :P
Last night, at the end of the weekend, all we ended up doing was visiting here and there, and having a lot of sex :P I don't think my ass has ever takin such a beating,(fer real) nor ever enjoyed it so much. 3 times! I wished I could enclose some details, they're pouring out of my ears, and you can't wipe the stupid grin off my face that's been planted on it all morning, but they're all -faaaar- too graphic to post on a public forum. (RaWr -that- good :P)*prays for more nights to be like last night*
Christmas time doesn't seem to be shaping up to be all that bad this year, for once. :P Happy Holidays everyone! |
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| d00t-doo-doo-d0000000 |
[Dec. 1st, 2005|01:49 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  chipper | ] |
Hi :) Hehe feeling a lot better now. Maybe puttin my mind in low gear last night to put all those feelings into words did me some good. I think I let myself fall prey to the helpless feeling cause I'm so homesick over here. Traveling is fun... but being home is better.
The girl I'm working with here, that I mentioned in my last post actually stood up the married man she's been seeing last night. She looked very chipper and happy this morning, as she told me how she had accomplished totally blowing off the guy. Maybe something I said actually got through :D
It's the middle of the day here, and I'm done training. As I said.. they're not even doing real business here. I kind of make my schedule to accomodate people who are busy, or have real life examples with a little substance to try their new found training on. I still don't get to leave until tomorrow. I think I'm gonna spend the rest of the day here, and proly most of tomorrow trying to learn Crystal Reports. I've dabbled with it a bit, but I'm about to make a real document that people are actually going to use *squee* hehe Wish me luck!
*does the thursday dance* |
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| erm... why? |
[Nov. 30th, 2005|12:27 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | listless | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Natasha Beddingfield - These Words :( (hehe *switch!*) | ] |
Well, I'm in a pretty terrible mood tonight. I doubt this is going to be very good reading for anyone.
Just a warning...
I'm in Mexico again.. doing more training. It actually isn't going all that bad. All the people I'm training have worked in warehouses before, so learning our software seems to come naturally to them. They're such a new company that they've only handled one physical test order. I trained them on the main portion of the software almost a month ago, and they seemed to have retained the knowledge inspite of its lack of use. The only girl in the group comes outside to smoke with me and tells me all about her suffering through this sordid affair with a married man who treats her like shit. I feel bad for her cause she's such a nice girl, she just seems insecure and is taking whatever comes her way. She doesn't deserve it. But she's digging her own grave. I tell her what I can, but she has to know it already. I still find her sighing... happily or sadly over text message after text message all day... oh well.
I'm having some serious issues with self worth. So much so that it's starting to affect how I act and how I work.... I'm really scared that it's going to start affecting other things that are important to me. I've already started to notice that I'm falling into pretty emotionally negative trends. Not sure what started all of this, I'm not sure how to overcome it either. And that just makes me feel helpless... even worse.
I told Tedd and Doug that I'm moving out of our apartment on February 1st. I struggled with that line for about an hour and a half of me sitting silently... awkwardly... trying to listen to Tedd make conversation. He was so friendly... a lot like the Tedd I looked forward to living with. Now it's all ruined :( I gave them about 2 and a half months notice of my move. There is no way I could have been the cause of the chaos of moving, or finding another roommate in the middle of Christmas to 2 of my friends... regardless of where I stand with them now. :'( I have every faith that Tedd is going to be alright. Doug seems fragile though. I'm almost terrified for him.
This brings up a whole new dilemna though. While I can't in good conscience totally screw over 2 friends in one of the most sensitive times of the year, I also don't feel like a very welcome tennant, considering the unsurmountable, unthinkable amount of... drama isn't the right word. :| Drama is pointless bullshit. And while many of the situations have been pointless bullshit, it happened between me and someone I actually enjoyed being around. Somehow that makes it different.
Anyways, aside from not feeling welcome... I love seeing Mike everyday. Being at his place is comforting.. fulfilling. Waking up to his antics in the morning, and coming "home" to his face, smiling or otherwise are some key features that brighten my day like nothing else. Naturally, however, I can't afford rent at 2 places. If it came down to it, I'd live at that apartment, welcome or not, to avoid bad blood between Mike and I. But he wants me to be around as much as I like being around. I still feel shitty for it though. That has led me to leave all my belongings in the place I'm actually paying for. I feel like a nomad. Ive' been staying at Mikes and visiting my belongings now and then, on top of living in a hotel for a whole week out of the last 2 or 3 months. (that pattern doesn't look like it's ending anytime soon either) I know I'm doing this to myself :( but I feel like it's what I've gotta do in order to live with myself. I feel like I'm losing my grasp... not on reality... I don't even know what.
Mike has some idiosyncracies that are taking a bit of getting used to. Nothing bad... in fact some are pretty stupid. I'm just not adapting as well as I usually do. No doubt hindered by all this unknown CRAP.
It must seem like it's all so obvious... *I know that* but it seems like something different. I really hope all this starts to clear up soon... I'm really scared. |
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